drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
