was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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