i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
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