tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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