I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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