awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
