My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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