What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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