I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
this beer tastes like vomit already
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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