Whod you bang
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
