just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
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