Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
