i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
