How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
