Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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