Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
