If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
