I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
