He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
