wake up i wanna do it froggy style
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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