He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
