i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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