i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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