all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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