You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
