If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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