I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
