Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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