i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
