i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
