walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
