When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
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