You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
