my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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