I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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