Walk of Shame. In a state park.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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