If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
