mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Grow some girl-balls and come out already
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
