Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
