just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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