happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
