Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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