Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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