Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I just want nice things and good sex
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
