Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
