Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
