Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
