I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
