I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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