Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
